Take Me Out

Baseball is the fucking worst thing to have ever happened to humanity and dinosaurs.

I'm a little surprised I didn't write this blog post earlier considering how much seething rage the activity of baseball causes me. I can't recall a single time in my life where I have ever enjoyed baseball, either as a player or spectator, so clearly this isn't the result of some sort of well-repressed memory. Hold on to your butts because I am about to break this shit down.

Athleticism:

I can't think of a single other sport that is so void of necessary athleticism, but parades around as though it's motherfucking Atlas on steroids. Which is humorous because the steroids part is true, but more on that later. Sure, the sport requires some measure of athletic ability but the amount of time spent standing in the same five by five space and pinching at one's scrotum hardly constitutes moderate physical effort. 

Steroids:

Nothing screams America's past time like the moniker, "cheat to win." From Lance Armstrong to Mike Tyson, athletes are the bastions of manipulating circumstances to ensure a particular result. I'm no one to judge here because I've never lost a game of Monopoly (mostly because it is impossible to finish) because so few people ever questioned how I had twenty of the orange $500 bills two minutes in to the game.

Time:

Probably my biggest issue with baseball is the amount of time each game takes. Who the fuck has 4 hours to observe men in ill-fitting clothes fondle their junk mindlessly, but with impressive vigor? Apparently a lot of fucking people. Almost every sport I can think of takes way more time then should be allotted for any activity. Baseball, though, takes it to a whole new level. It essentially operates under a never-ending system of innings. Each inning then takes the better part of forever to conclude because there is a remarkable series of fouls, strikes, and balls that prolong each inning to a length equal to any of the Lord of the Rings movies. 

Games:

On a similar tangent of the shear length of time it takes a single game to complete, viewers are given the opportunity to see the exact same game play out multiple times over the course of a few days. Whatever happened to losing once and hanging your head in shame, rather than asking for a do-over? Like, is one four hour game not a sufficient amount of time to fondle your junk?

Summer:
Oh my fucking god, summer is the worst. Why would anyone choose to stand outside, in a full body uniform, under the August sun at noon? Can you imagine the severe cases of swamp ass occurring in every baseball stadium (is that what they are called?) across the U.S? The amount of sweat and booty grit festering in between thousands of sets of corpulent ass cracks is worrisome, to say the least.

World Series:
Lol. Toronto. Suck it World.