Satan's Asshole, AKA Summer

You know what's great? Dripping in sweat before 10 a.m. Burning your hands on your gear shifter or steering wheel. Your skin sizzling as a result of the sun just being its ol' asshole self. Those things are awesome. Great. So great. So. Fucking. Great.

I live in Iowa, so for about 6 months out of the year I complain about how much I hate summer. This state is like some special seasonal anomaly where 2 days out of the year are perfect spring or fall weather. The other 363 are equally divided in to Satan's Asshole hot and Santa's Left Nipple freezing. I am one of the few people who really enjoys winter. When the temperature is below freezing and it is dark for the majority of the day, I am at peace. I personally identify with that kind of weather. My heart feels at home in the bitter cold abyss. Summer on the other hand, can go fuck itself.

Let me break it down for you; the many reasons that summer is offensive to all of my sensibilities.

It is flat out uncomfortable. Personal hygiene is pretty far up there on the list of things that are integral to me maintaining to a tolerable temperament. Showers are meant to be relaxing and cleansing, but in the summer all they do is blur the line between "am I sweating or just post-shower damp?" The answer is always the former.

Makeup application is futile. I have invested a lot of time and money in to my makeup collection, but because of the Sun's Violent Vengeance, my face can only withstand the bare minimum of powders and pigments. Every day I apply makeup in hopes that I won't look like I spent the last thirty-two years in a maximum security prison. Every day I am reminded that nature always wins.

Clothing options are limited. Much in the same way that summer doesn't do any favors for my face, it does the same for my wardrobe. Nothing is comfortable because naked isn't considered socially acceptable. No fabric has the breathability that buck ass naked does, and therefore, each additional layer feebly mocks the thermometer.

Summer activities suck. Literally the only thing that I enjoy doing in the summer is visiting the Farmer's Market, and even that is pretty low on the "enjoyable" scale due to the amount of unpleasant children (i.e. all of them) around. Everything else it just a weak attempt at entertainment.

• Pools are gross. They are always overcrowded and filled with equal parts children and pee. 
• Outdoor physical activity, like volleyball or hiking, is painful and requires way too much forethought to be enjoyable. Forgot a water bottle? Enjoy your impending doom. Didn't apply enough sunscreen? Have fun with five days of excruciating pain on the largest part of your body.
• Picnics are 100% disgusting. Eating outside is just miserable in general. There are bugs, the wind always seems to be hellbent on giving your picnic an combined area of 100 square feet, the temperature is either just too hot or just too cold, and finally, food generally requires temperature control and my large intestine is not about to play a game of chicken with some suspect looking potato salad. 
• Large bodies of natural water, such as lakes and rivers, seem like nature's olive branch for summer fun. No. It smells bad, you can get flesh eating bacteria, e.coli, and it's like submerging yourself in to one big sewage treatment facility. You know what else they have? Fucking snakes and big ass fish that you can't see beneath that murky water's surface. Hard pass.
• Water parks and amusement parks are overcrowded, overpriced, and straight up stressful. Literally no one enjoys standing in line for hours, paying $5 for a bottle of water, and listening to Timmy and Jane screech about not being tall enough to ride the teacups while they contemplate pissing their pants.
• Grilling is dumb. Here is your slightly burnt tasting food. Enjoy.

Summer is the earth's way of telling humanity to rethink it's behavior and reconsider what is defined as "enjoyable." Unfortunately, we take that as some sort of pissing match and try to finagle logic into being outside during such an uncomfortable time. Enough people have joined in on this facade that I am also expected to pretend I enjoy it. I won't perpetuate the lie anymore. Stand up people! And then sit down again because it's hot out and the air conditioning is on.

Death by Dentist

I sincerely don't apologize for my recent hiatus. I quit my old job and have since moved to a new town and new job and entertaining you wasn't one of my top priorities, you fucking savages. What has inspired me to come out of hiding, just like a post-2007 Britney Spears, is the recent trophy kill of Cecil the Lion. If any of you know me personally, which based on my readership statistics is a lot of you, I am pretty invested in animal rights. I have been a vegetarian for 12 years, volunteered for four years at an animal shelter for special needs critters, and currently shower my 10 year old asshole cat (Wilma Jean) with poorly received attention and admiration. I have broken a remote control when attempting to divert my attention from those sad-as-fuck ASPCA commercials. I have advocated for movies to have "fictional animal cruelty" disclaimers because if a dog dies in a movie I have to sacrifice my emotional well-being for the next 24 hours. I take insects outside instead of smashing them under my shoe. People suck, but animals don't. That said, it is pretty evident that this whole Cecil the Lion incident has been emotionally rousing. But this isn't about Cecil, this is about the absurd ego-stroking hobby that is trophy hunting.

Now, I'm not exactly a fan of any type of hunting that isn't exclusively for survival. In the 21st century it is absolutely unnecessary, but I'm not here to argue with you about that because I don't give two and a half fucks about your contrary opinion. I'm choosing to pick on exotic animal trophy hunts specifically because there is a solid consensus that it is fucking deplorable.

If you aren't familiar with Cecil the Lion, which is seemingly impossible unless you literally only use the internet to read my blog (as you should), I will educate you. Rich ass Minnesota dentist goes to Zimbabwe. Dentist and guides wound lion with a bow. Dentist and guards track lion for 40 hours. Lion is lured out of protected land and killed, beheaded, and skinned. Internet flips the fuck out. Dentist goes back to U.S. and into hiding because people are p-i-s-s-e-d. Zimbabwe government leaders call for the extradition of dentist to stand trial. Dentist has previously been charged for poaching activities. Now you're all caught up. I should also say that this post has nothing really to do with the aforementioned dentist or any other specific trophy hunters (like Donald Trump's smug ass son). It has to do with the absurd fucking practice in and of itself.

I have a hard time comprehending exactly how someone can look at something like a lion, jaguar, elephant, rhino and be like, "I'm gon' kill that, mhm." Humanity has done a pretty stellar job at desecrating the earth, and now it's like we are on some sort of special achievement mission to single-handedly kill the shit out of everything else. Furthermore, it's some sort of weird ass honor to chop these creatures' heads off and display in your living rooms. Like, "it's so beautiful, let me murder that." That is how you should feel about cheese plate, bread bowl, or medley of pies, not a god damn endangered animal you shit bird.

Some are quick to argue that such activities bring much needed money in to these various countries' economies. You know what else is good for the economy? Literally any other tourist activities. There is also the sentiment that these hunts weed out ill or old animals from the herd and make the herd stronger. That would be a pretty strong argument if this was some sort of Mad Max survivalist dystopia wasteland. Animals, if you weren't aware, have been pretty damn successful at managing their own business before and without human intervention. You are bad at having opinions.

Ugh, humanity, I just really need you to stop being a bunch of turds.