I live in Iowa, so for about 6 months out of the year I complain about how much I hate summer. This state is like some special seasonal anomaly where 2 days out of the year are perfect spring or fall weather. The other 363 are equally divided in to Satan's Asshole hot and Santa's Left Nipple freezing. I am one of the few people who really enjoys winter. When the temperature is below freezing and it is dark for the majority of the day, I am at peace. I personally identify with that kind of weather. My heart feels at home in the bitter cold abyss. Summer on the other hand, can go fuck itself.
Let me break it down for you; the many reasons that summer is offensive to all of my sensibilities.
It is flat out uncomfortable. Personal hygiene is pretty far up there on the list of things that are integral to me maintaining to a tolerable temperament. Showers are meant to be relaxing and cleansing, but in the summer all they do is blur the line between "am I sweating or just post-shower damp?" The answer is always the former.
Makeup application is futile. I have invested a lot of time and money in to my makeup collection, but because of the Sun's Violent Vengeance, my face can only withstand the bare minimum of powders and pigments. Every day I apply makeup in hopes that I won't look like I spent the last thirty-two years in a maximum security prison. Every day I am reminded that nature always wins.
Clothing options are limited. Much in the same way that summer doesn't do any favors for my face, it does the same for my wardrobe. Nothing is comfortable because naked isn't considered socially acceptable. No fabric has the breathability that buck ass naked does, and therefore, each additional layer feebly mocks the thermometer.
Summer activities suck. Literally the only thing that I enjoy doing in the summer is visiting the Farmer's Market, and even that is pretty low on the "enjoyable" scale due to the amount of unpleasant children (i.e. all of them) around. Everything else it just a weak attempt at entertainment.
- Pools are gross. They are always overcrowded and filled with equal parts children and pee.
- Outdoor physical activity, like volleyball or hiking, is painful and requires way too much forethought to be enjoyable. Forgot a water bottle? Enjoy your impending doom. Didn't apply enough sunscreen? Have fun with five days of excruciating pain on the largest part of your body.
- Picnics are 100% disgusting. Eating outside is just miserable in general. There are bugs, the wind always seems to be hellbent on giving your picnic an combined area of 100 square feet, the temperature is either just too hot or just too cold, and finally, food generally requires temperature control and my large intestine is not about to play a game of chicken with some suspect looking potato salad.
- Large bodies of natural water, such as lakes and rivers, seem like nature's olive branch for summer fun. No. It smells bad, you can get flesh eating bacteria, e.coli, and it's like submerging yourself in to one big sewage treatment facility. You know what else they have? Fucking snakes and big ass fish that you can't see beneath that murky water's surface. Hard pass.
- Water parks and amusement parks are overcrowded, overpriced, and straight up stressful. Literally no one enjoys standing in line for hours, paying $5 for a bottle of water, and listening to Timmy and Jane screech about not being tall enough to ride the teacups while they contemplate pissing their pants.
- Grilling is dumb. Here is your slightly burnt tasting food. Enjoy.
Summer is the earth's way of telling humanity to rethink it's behavior and reconsider what is defined as "enjoyable." Unfortunately, we take that as some sort of pissing match and try to finagle logic into being outside during such an uncomfortable time. Enough people have joined in on this facade that I am also expected to pretend I enjoy it. I won't perpetuate the lie anymore. Stand up people! And then sit down again because it's hot out and the air conditioning is on.
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