Lord of the Rings: A Critique

Today I fulfilled what appears to be my birthright as a member of this generation: I finally watched Lord of the Rings. Technically, only the first two of the trilogy but I would like to write this post before my fiftieth birthday, so excuse my premature assessment of the series.

Holy fucking shit. How does anyone sit through these movies and at the end tell themselves that the past 10 hours of dreary walking was enjoyable? If you like these movies you are certainly fucking lying to yourself. I'm under the impression that people say these movies are marvelous epics because they are based on books which are marvelous epics. The transitive property doesn't fucking work that way in showbiz. The movies have impressive CGI and makeup, but that doesn't give them a free ticket to IMDB's Top 250 Movies of All Time list.

First, let's talk about the sheer length of these movies. I pulled up The Fellowship of the Rings this weekend thinking that maybe I would have to set aside 2.5 hours, max. Nah, we were looking at almost 4 fucking hours a Elijah Wood's uncomfortable "O" face which apparently supposed to pass for the "surprised" expression. The fucking credits alone were almost a full 25 minutes. That's fucking absurd. That's not a movie. That is looking at yourself in the mirror while you rub one out and cry. Furthermore, viewers are almost two hours in to the movie before they even establish that they are going to go on this quest as a group, a fellowship, if you will. The preceding 120 minutes was about as exciting as foreplay with Larry King.

Next, the names in this trilogy as just begging to be mocked. Which is really lovely because it is a service I am so readily able and willing to provide. Obviously, this pleasure isn't brought to us by Peter Jackson, but by dead ol' JRR Tolkein. Regardless of who was clearly knackered off their ass on gin at the inception of these names, they deserve my critical assessment.
So first we have our protagonist Froyo and his creepy uncle, or something, Dildo Baggins. He also has some other buddies who are practically interchangeable. There is Samsung Galaxy and Mary Poppins (two people hiding in one oversized trench coat). Finally there is the motley crew featuring Giblets and Legoland, and sexy Acorn. I am even furthered entertained by the fact that Tolkein just seemed to phone it in with Mt. Doom. One too many episodes of He-Man and that is the best we can do for a central and vital plot location in the film.

Finally, while I certainly love the fantasy involved in this adventure, I can't help but address the implausibility of this whole situation. Am I really supposed to believe that a motherfucking wizard can't destroy the ring himself, or at least employ some of his wizard abilities to assist? No? Okay, so we will just send a whole bunch of short, hairy, teenagers to get the job done. Hope you don't fuck up because the fate of Middle Earth rests in your sweaty palms!

To be fair, I didn't exactly decide to watch these movies because of any inherent desire or need of enlightenment. I just really enjoy movies and thought that I couldn't be hyper-critical of a set of films I had never seen. The only real experience I had with Lord of the Rings was the Lego Lord of the Rings game for Wii. Which is very exciting because Sean Bean's character gets stabbed with a carrot or chicken instead of an arrow. Additionally, the movie Clerks II set me up with a perspective that was more than successfully fulfilled. Please, I beg you, watch.

I just can't get in to it and I will not lie about my dissatisfaction. I'm surprised this movie didn't have fucking Beyonce in it. That's how much I hate it.

Bullshit Brew

So, beer is a pretty popular thing. I live and work on a college campus which means I am basically surrounded by it, knowingly and unknowingly, at all times. Remember that made up fact about having a spider within five feet of you at all times? Basically, imagine that being true for Natty Light and you have every 24 hours of my life. Beer is seemingly more ubiquitous than water and I certainly can't fucking understand why because beer taste like carbonated piss.

The basic concept of beer is absurd to me. If anyone tells you something is an "acquired taste" you should probably look in to something else. You shouldn't have to "acquire" the taste of anything in order to enjoy it. That's how people get in to the hobbies of murder and bank heists. Who in their right mind tries something, thinks its gross, then tells themselves, "I'm going to keep purchasing and consuming more of this until I find it tolerable?" People who like Beyonce, that's who. Liking something because it's an acquired taste does not make you unique or interesting, it makes you annoying and unoriginal. Forcing yourself to like something because others do is just really fucking dumb.

The first time I had beer I thought it was absolutely repulsive. Not only does it taste bad but it also smells bad. It is like consuming dirty, carbonated water, at room temperature. What is even more perplexing is that people consider it refreshing. No. Ice cold water after a run is refreshing (I am only assuming because fuck running). Bubbly piss water consumption for no reason is not refreshing. The second time I had beer I was so intoxicated that it didn't exactly matter what I was drinking. To this day even thinking about beer makes me feel nauseated, so no, I don't want to try your peach IPA banana fermented stout with a sunflower chaser, or whatever the fuck adjectives you are using to make it sound palatable.

Don't try to tell me that Beer A is better than Beer B either. There is no difference. That is like saying Hepatitis A is far better than Hepatitis C. That is an irrelevant form of measurement. Beer "aficionados" are some pretty pretentious assholes too. Beer tastings, beer tours, beer centered events in general are just annoying. I would put $50 on your not being able to tell the different between Bud Lite and whatever arrogantly named brew you are being sold for about $8 more.

Now, don't tell me I shouldn't have an opinion on this because I don't know shit about alcohol. That is a gross falsehood. I've been to England and Ireland on more than one occasion and those fuckers know how to drink. Beer doesn't get any better no matter what side of the ocean you are on. I even drank fresh Guinness from the top of the Guinness brewery. And you know what? It still fucking sucked.

If you have already acquired the taste, keep on keepin' on. If you haven't, don't bother or feel embarrassed by this implied inadequacy. You are just fine and can go spend your money on something that doesn't taste like it came out of a urethra.