Bullshit Brew

So, beer is a pretty popular thing. I live and work on a college campus which means I am basically surrounded by it, knowingly and unknowingly, at all times. Remember that made up fact about having a spider within five feet of you at all times? Basically, imagine that being true for Natty Light and you have every 24 hours of my life. Beer is seemingly more ubiquitous than water and I certainly can't fucking understand why because beer taste like carbonated piss.

The basic concept of beer is absurd to me. If anyone tells you something is an "acquired taste" you should probably look in to something else. You shouldn't have to "acquire" the taste of anything in order to enjoy it. That's how people get in to the hobbies of murder and bank heists. Who in their right mind tries something, thinks its gross, then tells themselves, "I'm going to keep purchasing and consuming more of this until I find it tolerable?" People who like Beyonce, that's who. Liking something because it's an acquired taste does not make you unique or interesting, it makes you annoying and unoriginal. Forcing yourself to like something because others do is just really fucking dumb.

The first time I had beer I thought it was absolutely repulsive. Not only does it taste bad but it also smells bad. It is like consuming dirty, carbonated water, at room temperature. What is even more perplexing is that people consider it refreshing. No. Ice cold water after a run is refreshing (I am only assuming because fuck running). Bubbly piss water consumption for no reason is not refreshing. The second time I had beer I was so intoxicated that it didn't exactly matter what I was drinking. To this day even thinking about beer makes me feel nauseated, so no, I don't want to try your peach IPA banana fermented stout with a sunflower chaser, or whatever the fuck adjectives you are using to make it sound palatable.

Don't try to tell me that Beer A is better than Beer B either. There is no difference. That is like saying Hepatitis A is far better than Hepatitis C. That is an irrelevant form of measurement. Beer "aficionados" are some pretty pretentious assholes too. Beer tastings, beer tours, beer centered events in general are just annoying. I would put $50 on your not being able to tell the different between Bud Lite and whatever arrogantly named brew you are being sold for about $8 more.

Now, don't tell me I shouldn't have an opinion on this because I don't know shit about alcohol. That is a gross falsehood. I've been to England and Ireland on more than one occasion and those fuckers know how to drink. Beer doesn't get any better no matter what side of the ocean you are on. I even drank fresh Guinness from the top of the Guinness brewery. And you know what? It still fucking sucked.

If you have already acquired the taste, keep on keepin' on. If you haven't, don't bother or feel embarrassed by this implied inadequacy. You are just fine and can go spend your money on something that doesn't taste like it came out of a urethra.