Inspirational Masturbation

My favorite use of Twitter is mocking those who rip famous quotations out of context and ride them in to commiserating retweets and favorite notifications (lookin' at you Marilyn Monroe's corpse). Last year I ran a series of about 25 - 30 tweets that were used for the sole purpose shaming these quotes and the people who use them. I was too lazy to access my tweet archive, so I just browsed the Midol and Pinot Grigio dregs of Pinterest for some material. If you say or reference any of these things you should feel bad. Enjoy!

Don't forget to love yourself.
Insert masturbation joke here.

Nothing is impossible. Even the word says "I'm possible."
Fun and mental are both in fundamentalist, but I don't see you making a t-shirt about that.

Live. Laugh. Love.
Fart. Poop. Wash your sheets.

Some girls are just born with glitter in their veins.
And then they die immediately because your circulatory system doesn't work that way.

Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius, and it is better to absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.
Joan of Arc and 2007 Britney would certainly agree.

I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
But if you ever step out of line I will cut your face off and wear it around the office.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars.
Nope. Nope. Science does not work that way. But you know what, go ahead, try it. Report back.

Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today."
That's a James Dean quote, and look how he ended up: in a coffin at 24 and sharing his namesake with a porn star.

Everything happens for a reason.
...what?

Eat diamonds for breakfast and shine all day.
And then your poop will literally be associated with immense corruption, suffering, and death in Sierra Leon. You will also probably go in to septic shock.

Well-behaved women rarely make history.
Eva Braun is a role model. So is Aileen Wuornos.

Never a failure, always a lesson.
I feel like it says that on the box of an at home STD test.

I'm not a racist but...
Oh my, please keep going.

We accept the love we think we deserve.
File this bullshit under things that aren't true.

This too shall pass.
Nuh uh, Gandalf said so.

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.
Unless that is genocide. Please go confidently in the opposite direction, or back to art school.

All you need is 20 seconds of insane courage and promise you something great will come of it.
No one has ever said that about premature ejaculation. Hnnnggggg.

Even after all this time the sun never says to the earth "you owe me." Look what happens with a love like that. It lights the whole sky.
You are right, the sun didn't say that to the earth because the sun can't fucking talk. Also, in a few million years the sun is going explode in a spectacle of fire and kill absolutely everything in our solar system, so I wouldn't qualify that as love unless your definition of love is some Romeo and Juliet bullshit.

An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backward. So when life is dragging you back with difficulties it means that it is going to launch you in to something great.
Perhaps a wall, or oncoming traffic.

It is always more difficult to fight against faith than against knowledge.
Great quote right? Hitler thought so too BECAUSE HE SAID IT.

Now go read a book.