Awkward Pose

I spend a lot of time of social media because I thoroughly enjoy passing judgement without leaving the comfort of my own bed. Scrolling through seemingly limitless photos and updates of the same old shit is my type of spectator sport. One particular phenomenon I have discovered through my dedicated browsing is the epidemic of the awkward photo poses.

With the rise and reign of the selfie, it is in one's best interest to look as appealing as possible in the majority of published photos. As a result, we humans have apparently evolved particular poses to maximize preferred stature, indicate possession, and look as uncomfortable as possible. Let's take a look at these poses.

The Pooper:
This pose is best used to identify if a group of females is part of a sorority.* It's practically fail safe. Get a group of five or more women, line them up in to two or more rows, and ask them for a picture. They will instinctively start to squat like their colon just sent them a friendly reminder that they had a venti latte and Taco Bell 15 minute ago. The knees are bent at a 45 degree angle, palms are pressed flat to the thighs, and shoulders bring the torso forward. Generally this pose is used to maximize space for the entire group to be featured, but in my observations it doesn't matter if the backdrop is an airplane bathroom or a football field. It's like moths to a flame, but instead of fiery death it is violent diarrhea.

*Please note that I am not anti-Greek by any means. I was actually in a sorority during my sophomore year of college. The sorority I joined was an absolute shit show and their special bid for my admission was the result of an impressive amount of smoke and mirrors. The women in this particular sorority were the girls that were a staple at every party because every party needs someone to bring the vomit, crying, and yelling. I was not about to associate myself with that any longer than I had to. If I could go back, I would have still gone Greek but chosen better.

The Scoliosis:
This is another sorority staple that lends itself to groups of three or two. Instead of appearing to need a list of every toilet within a 20 mile radius, individuals look as though they are suffering from crippling spinal injuries. With this pose, both the left and right most individuals place one arm around the center person (or each other) with their other hand perched on their hips. Then, like five vertebrae fractured at once, they throw their chests forward and their shoulders back (bonus points if they position their head so their hair cascades off to the side). In a rudimentary sense, this pose is physically flattering. The body is turned and arms positioned to make oneself look more svelte. It also makes the subjects look like they just got a Falcon Punch to the back, which is so super sexy.

The Pregnant Man:
This is probably one of my favorites simply because the imagery is entertaining. Utilized by engaged couples or women who really want to indicate to other women that this man is either property or in the process of becoming property. To effectively execute this pose, the male faces the camera head on while the woman poses at his side and turned slightly inward. They then put one arm around each other. This is where it gets good. The woman then places her free hand (the one nearest to the camera) on the male's stomach. Every single time I see this photo, all I can think of it that man is incubating a child or a large parasite (same thing). Like, is is about to fall out of his butt? Can you feel it kick, or is that just a fart brewing? Is an alien about to burst through his abdomen?
What continues to make this pose even more interesting is how it is used to indicate possession. Side by side poses between men and women are too innocuous, but by placing your hand on his chest or stomach, you are using a non-verbal cue to announce your romantic intent. On the other hand, if a man puts his hand on a woman's chest it also announces non-verbal romantic intent but with an entirely different outcome.

Hole in Your Pocket:
The previous poses are relatively one-sided because women tend to be the dumb-looking culprits. This pose, however, is the most fratty-frat-frat thing to happen (outside of binge drinking and saying "no homo.") Bros seem to only be able to physically interact with each other in one of two ways: aggressively entering every viable orifice on each other or with enough space for the Holy Spirit to fit in-between. There is no middle ground. It is the most polarized spectrum with only two points. This pose features any number of men standing facing the camera and forcing their hands so far into their pockets that they are preparing for their monthly testicular self-exam. The pose is intended to give off a relaxed and chill vibe, but instead I just assume that they are grasping for their penis.

I get it. Everyone wants to look good in pictures. Except me, I don't want to give anyone false hope. That's why I give my most unflattering Snapchats (LeahIsRaddd) the longest time frame before expiration because I want everyone to bask in how derpy I am. There are few feelings better than seeing a photo and knowing that the pint of ice cream you just ate hasn't yet taken up visible residence in your ass. It is also important to know that no one cares about your photos as much as you do.