Shut the Fuck Up

As I mentioned in one of my previous posts, I work and live at a university. It is the furthest thing from a glamourous job, but it requires a Master's degree and I get to hold that over people's heads. It's not much, but it keeps me from wallowing in crippling depression, so there's that.

My office is located in the main thoroughfare of the largest first year student hall on campus. This means that every day I am surrounded by student chatter about their classes, their hook-ups, their STD's, and their dumb fucking sayings that have driven me to the brink of violent rage on more than one occasion. Don't get me wrong, I love my students. They are smart, inspiring, and ambitious and that is a truly wonderful environment to be allowed to work in. However, the bubbling diarrhea that overflows from of their gullets is on par with some Jenny McCarthy pretend medical science blather.

I have decided to put together a small glossary of the words and phrases I hear most frequently from the mouths of these young ones. Maybe if I put them on my blog it will save me from the imminent need to slap someone in the throat every time I hear them used in real life.

AF
Read: as fuck.
This phrase is nothing special, and perhaps that is what makes it particularly annoying. It is almost always used at the end of sentences and uses two letters to replace two single syllable words. That's some efficient shit right there. Rarely is it ever spoken, but considering I read student writing as much as I hear it, it's sufficiently qualified to make this list.

What makes it annoying: are we trying to save time? Are we afraid our parents are going to ground us for swearing? Are you dumb?

"These ball sweat flavored burritos are delicious af."

Bae
Read: before anyone/all else.
This one has probably irritated me for the longest period of time because it doesn't make any fucking sense. It is used to refer to someone of affection but essentially it has been diluted further (not that I think that is even god damn possible) to refer to anyone and everyone.

What makes it annoying: whenever I hear people use this, I think two things: are you congested and having trouble communicating like a healthy human being, or, what does a large body of water partially surrounded by land have to do with jack shit?

"My bae brought me seven ball sweat flavored burritos and now I have congestive heart failure."

Or nah?
Read: or not?
This phrase is unlike the rest because it has more than one ultra-annoying usage. It can be used to indicated a pseudo-wishywashy question, or in a hyperbolic manner.

What makes it annoying: turning an annoying phrase in to a question that expects a response is like the level five Boss Satan from a video game made by Hitler and Stalin's love child. Not only do I get to hear your inane vocabulary, but now I'm expected to acknowledge it.

"You tryna' get them ball sweat flavored burritos or nah?

You da real MVP
Read: you have done something I approve of.
This phrase didn't spawn from mythical origins, bur rather, a real life occurrence. NBA player Kevin Durant used the phrase for the first time during a post-game press conference. It wasn't intended to be humorous at the time, but I couldn't be more overjoyed that some pre-pubescent boys were able to wrap their jaded minds around it and integrate it flawlessly in to every day conversation.

What makes it annoying: for starters, it makes a mockery of a genuine statement that was relevant in context. Second, 50% of the words in that phrase are annoying independently of any other words.

"To the burrito chef who gave me extra ball sweat for no charge: you da' real MVP."

Bruh
Read: bro, brother, friend, comrade.
It just sounds annoying and is too close to the word bra.

What makes it so annoying: see above.

"I don't think you understand the magnitude of my need for a ball sweat burrito right now, bruh."

Get at me
Read: come hither, I am interested in associating with you.
Generally said with enthusiasm, this phrase denotes some sort of interest in a person, something that person has, or something that person does.

What makes it so annoying: poor grammar. So. Much. Poor. Grammar.

"To the person offering hand jobs in exchange for some ball sweat burritos, get at me."

That's got me feelin' some kind of way
Read: this situation has had a positive impact on me emotionally.
This phrase is almost always used in a positive or light manner and indicates that whatever action has occurred has resulted in real positive feelings or emotions.

What makes it so annoying: like many of these, it is so ambiguous that it means absolutely nothing. Literally half of the words in the phrase indicate nothing. How is it possible that a bunch of 15 year olds have created such a linguistic enigma?

"These ball sweat burritos my mom made me as an afternoon snack got me feelin' some kind of way."

The shit I do like
Read: This item or interaction has made me feel approval and/or joy.
This is the final phrase and I actually find it the least annoying, somehow. I find this phrase most frequently used as a means of indicating approval.

What makes it so annoying: absurd sentence structure and non-funny use of the word "shit."

"When the burrito maker drags his scrotum across my burrito, now that is the shit I do like."


In summation, just because it is a cultural trend doesn't absolve it from being absolute bullshit.