Sperm Lizards

Currently listening to: Glitch Mob "We Can Make the World"

When I started this blog all of 3 days ago, my mom (who from this point forward I will officially refer to as Bro-lleen) requested that I write a post on people's shitty offspring. I told her it would have to wait until I found myself particularly incensed by one of these three foot tall assholes. It didn't take long.

It should be a surprise to no one that I absolutely loathe children. I have never meant something as honestly as I meant that last sentence. Never have I felt a biological need to reproduce and every human under the age of 12 annoys the piss out of me. Every person over the age of 12 annoys me too, but it's the first group that is it's own special circle of Hell. When Dante wrote his series, this is what he had in mind.

This afternoon I stopped by Target to pick up a new pair of glasses (they look marvelous, by the way). While I was waiting for my lenses to be popped in and the frames to be adjusted to fit my beautiful face, a mother and her darling sperm lizard came in to have his glasses adjusted. At first things were going okay. My blood pressure immediately escalated as they entered the small off-shoot of the store, but that is normal any time I am within 20 feet of one of these sticky assholes. About 30 seconds in, the little douche grabs one of the optometrist stools and starts rocketing himself around the small optical center. I counted his mother asking him to stop a total of nine times. He stopped a total of zero times. In between weak pleads for him to stop making her look incompetent as a parent, she ignored his unruly behavior, which is pretty impressive because no one else could. The only solace I took in this situation was that the turd had his head pressed up against the seat of the wheeled stool for a solid five minutes. I hope he gets pink eye and tastes farts for at least a week.

I'm not saying I would ever be a good parent (but I would be fucking phenomenal), nor that I have any desire to be one, but I would not suck nearly as much as everyone else seems to. Additionally, some kids are Grade A assholes from the start and there is little that proper parenting is going to be able to mitigate and I would probably give up on the living parasite that ruined my vagina too. What I don't understand is every single parent's belief that their little sunshine train wreck that was the result of date night and too much white wine is totally warranted in ruining everyone else's meager existence. I hate grocery shopping as much as the next person, but I don't need some noisy heathen informing me of how much he hates Cheerios, from the safe but still audible distance of ten aisles away. In other words, don't make me put up with your shitty hell-spawn because your pedestrian life isn't what you thought it would be.

Before I go, can we take a moment to acknowledge that I referred to a six year old as a sperm lizard? That is so brilliant.