Short Hair Manifesto

Up until I was in forth grade, my hair was down to my butt. It was stick straight, light copper, and it garnered me a lot of attention. Once a woman came running up to my mother and myself in a parking lot (because that’s safe) to tell me that I had the prettiest hair she had ever seen (bitch, I know). It was when I was about 11 years old that I wanted to try something new. I cut it all off in to a very short bob and donated my hair to Locks of Love (that was before I knew about their sleezy practices). I then slowly progressed in to shorter and shorter looks, until eventually I was maintaining a pixie cut. On a few occasions I decided to grow my hair out because I wanted to feel more feminine (don't ask). Usually I didn't get further than a few inches (roughly two to three months of growth) before I thought better of my decision and went short again. At no point has my hair ever reached past my shoulders since that fateful day in fourth grade. 

I have no idea why I decided that I wanted short hair. Honestly, I think it was a chance for me to stand out and look different. Which is weird because no one wants to stand out in fourth grade. My favorite haircut, up until this point, is my mohawk. About 3 years ago I had run out of ideas and needed something fresh, but I knew that when you only have five inches of hair to work with, you don't have a ton of options. I threw caution to the wind (you know, the notion that ladies should have long locks otherwise their vagina ceases operation) and went for it. I put my hair in the very talented hands of my Aveda stylist and she created a monster rockstar. She brought out the clippers, slipped on a guard, and buzzed my sides down to a few centimeters. She spiked and tousled the 'hawk and that was it. I absolutely adore knowing that when I walk in to a room, people remember me. I never get confused for anyone and I love it. I practically subsist on compliments alone. The only bad thing about the compliments is that they are often followed by "I could never pull that off." I have no idea how to respond to that self-deprecating nonsense. 

If I could, I would force every woman to have short hair at some point in her life. It is the most empowering decision you can make. Whenever I hear the words, “My significant other doesn’t like me with short hair.” I want to give a backhand to everyone within a ten-foot radius. Fuck what your significant other thinks about the motherfucking hair on your motherfucking head. Seriously, blow me. Blow me so god damn hard if that is something you honestly believe. First and foremost, it’s your god damn hair on your god damn head on your god damn body. You can do whatever the fuck you want with it. The only person, other than yourself, whose opinion on your hair matters is the person cutting it, because maybe you have a funky shaped head. Second, there is no second. Fuck right off with that, “he/she doesn’t like it.” You are in control of what happens to your scalp. You are not a dog at the groomer.  You are not at the will of some other human being’s opinion of the fucking hair on your head. Of all of the insignificant bullshit someone could be so unnecessarily concerned with, this one happens to be the most impressively enraging. If the person whose genitals you put in your mouth on a regular basis has ever told you anything than “I love your new haircut,” you break right the fuck up with them. Don’t trust anyone who is that offended your boss ass hair. You don't need that shit in your life.

There is no hiding behind a pixie cut. You have to own everything about your appearance on both your good days and your bad days. And contrary to popular belief, short hair is time consuming and high maintenance. Sure, my haircuts take 10 minutes but I have to get them every two weeks and I have enough hair product to serve every Broadway production for the next 40 years. And if you aren't familiar with good hair products and good hair cuts, well, that shit is e-x-p-e-n-s-i-v-e. Furthermore, there is no "throwing it in a pony tail and running out the door." Every single day I have to do my hair. And every single day I have to do my makeup, otherwise I look absurd. It's a commitment. 

The important thing to remember is that hair grows back. If that isn't enough, there are really cute hats and scarves at your disposal. I mean, maybe you do have a funky shaped head.